so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
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July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
