i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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