I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
