well you can't waste a boner
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
