I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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