as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
