I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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