thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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