My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
