So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I checked into jail on foursquare
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
