I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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