Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
