i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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