yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
