for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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