i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
