I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
