We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You have to summon your inner elephant
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
