I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
