She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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