He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
