and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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