god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
