Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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