We're facebook friends in real life
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
