I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
