My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
