My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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