Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
