My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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