i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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