Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
