did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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