I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
