You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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