thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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