If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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