I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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