Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
