Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
