mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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