The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
