Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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