Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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