im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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