I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
