Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize