Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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