Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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