We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
