You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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