She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize