i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
