8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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